I held him in the air threatening to throw him away…
It’s dangerous to love a person too much as the moment you feel a tinge of rejection, it’ll crush you into pieces.. -Merryn-
Ethan and I did not breathe down each other’s nose throughout our Chinese New Year break. He was occupied with his cousins and me, with mine. Darling took care of Ethan throughout the entire break.
What happened was…
It was the second day of CNY and Ethan was engrossed in playing with his cousin. It was cute but he refused to stop playing to pee, drink or eat. I had to force him to take a break to go pee as I did not want him to wet his pants as a result of holding on too long. That happened in Seremban! Then he refused to drink because he knew drinking will make him pee even more!
The bomb came when I tried to make him eat. He blurted, “Don’t bother me-lah. Go away!” I felt a storm brewing within me and before I knew it, I snapped! I held him in the air threatening to throw him away if he still refused to eat, drink or pee! I only came to my senses when I saw the horrified faces of both my parents and then William. They came rushing out as they heard me yelling.
I was baffled. What had just happened? I put Ethan down and ran into my room, crying..
Moments later William came in with Ethan. Ethan slowly crawled up the bed and came to hug me. I hugged him back, still in tears. He said he needed milk so I made his milk and lay down with him as he gulped his milk in an instant. Lying there, just both of us, he said that he wants to eat with me. I was surprised and asked him if he meant it. He nodded. I walked out of the room with him, held his hand and went to the kitchen to get some rice and vege.
My mom was in the kitchen. I apologised for my outburst earlier. She said both she and my Dad thought that Ethan fell from the stairs or something; I explained and apologised again. Felt like an ass for my earlier action.
I went to the living room to feed Ethan and he finished the entire bowl of rice! Mind you he had just drank his milk! I don’t know if empathy or what made him eat but what I know was that I was afraid of what had just happened…
Yesterday Darling, Ethan and I returned home to PJ. If you’ve been following my tweets and FB posts, you’d know that I’ve been utilising a lot of sad emoticons
lately. William asked me what was wrong as he saw the difference in me. I told him I don’t know, which was the whole truth.
Darling was nice. He offered to bring us to the movies hoping it will cheer me up but I refused as I wasn’t sure what the heck was bothering me. Just now, before Darling finally left for work around 3pm, Ethan pleaded, “Daddy, stay with me”
My heart sank! Immediately I knew what was bugging me. I told William, “Both Ethan and I are afraid to be left alone with each other!” Darling hugged Ethan and explained that he needed to work. He told Ethan to be good, to stay with me and not to annoy me.
I promised Ethan I won’t switch on the PC, that I’ll spend time with him. We agreed not to fight with each other. I bathed him and we laughed ourselves silly playing with suds.
He is now napping. Looking at him I wondered, what happened.. to ME? I then realised that I’ve taken him for granted.
I expected Ethan to obey every single word I say but along the way forgets that he’s human too, with his own feelings and emotions. I overlooked the fact that he’s a big boy now and he’ll want to do things his way, not mine. Things sure gonna get tougher from now on but we’ll work on it. We’ll work our way to find a mutual point.. somewhere in the middle. Love will lead us the way.
All he wanted was to have fun… for it’s not always he has companion to play with..
And I have to learn to let go and not be a control freak…